I Never Envisioned This Vicious Cycle
As I mentioned previously, I started writing freestyle poetry after a mind blowing, soul crushing heartbreak that left me breathless. But not thoughtless. I writhed in emotional pain that made my head feel like it was going to explode. Then one day all the pain came gushing out in the form of my rhymes, sweet revenge, served cold and malicious, acapella cause I ain't got no beats. I don't care to blow up the muhfucka's spot, he knows what he did.
At first I wrote heatedly in my notebook, pen in hand, flows furious. I was going to turn my pain into treasure; the more I wrote, the more I impressed myself with how natural it felt, how could it be I had this gift inside of me all along.
Hip Hop raised me and rhyming is contagious, so ultimately it did make sense that I had this ability. I decided to write about the shit show that was my life, I wrote and wrote, not sure it would ever see the light of day. I turned 36 June 18th, 2016 and at that point was suffering from raging depression, undiagnosed PTSD, and just holding on to life by a thin, thin silly string. I had a background of romantic relationships which all involved the most insidious Narcissists I could possibly manifest into my life to mirror what low self-esteem I had.
I'm the standard product of a child from the South Bronx in the '80s, a statistic of poverty, domestic violence, and ignorance. I come from the actual place that hip hop was born and I am so proud of that. Grandmaster Flash and his brilliantly constructed "The Message"- that shit was REAL. I have a small scar on my left hand from where a junkie neighbor accidentally bumped into me with a lit cigarette. I was just trying to enter my building on Eastburn Avenue, I was 4 years old. I am still triggered to this day by that hood rat habit of hanging out on the stairs and refusing to move when you need to get in. I can still feel the searing pain of the burn, emotional footprints from physical pain are real.
When I started this blog I knew I wanted to share my story in the rawest form while also creating stream of consciousness commentary about being a woman in hip hop culture, ruminate on how I have consumed and revered this ragingly misogynistic artform without a second thought. I also want to help others struggling with their own demons, particularly women involved in abusive relationships. We mindlessly rap along, but as I get older the more and more I think, man FUCK this sausage fest, y'all need to step aside already. How many times can you rap about the same shit, shit on the same hoes, sip the same fucking Hennessy after pouring out a little for the homeys lost. I thought to myself, where am I in all of this though? Who is finally going to represent me, a Dominican girl from the South Bronx, with a whole lot of education and shit to say. I am also mother to a young baby girl that I need to raise out of the vicious cycle of abuse and poverty, not just physically, but make sure that those psychological imprints of pain and self-hate end with me. I write a lot of stuff that is sexy and raunchy and fun, but I also have pieces that convey my frustration with being marginalized in society, my rage at being a statistic, and feeling trapped. This was not supposed to happen to me.
Please enjoy below one of my newborn babies from my first week of writing rhymes.
Written June 27, 2016 at 12:42 pm
I follow two of them somber maidens
Mermaids
Down to the grotto
Why they sad though
Their tears shiny like pearls from oysters
Sunk my ship
Crashed it by the rocks off by city island
Dove down entered an underwater chamber
No Ariel just algae
There go the bones of Prince Eric
I need a breathing helmet
No air but I won't tank
Hmmm maybe I see dropped jewels from lost fools and fallen rappers
The serials scratched off tools dropped in by gangsters on the run
From the boys
Dirty diapers and beach toys
Maybe a fork or a hair comb
A dinglehopper
I Flounder round a shipwreck
of a slave ship
Why the USA one of the last countries to abolish in 1886?
Know I'm wrong but I made you google it
Now you learned something
Always questions facts and rap authorities
Leader of the Free World based on the labor of people not free put in chains
Spirits and bodies whipped
The worst part
Slavery shameful
400 years b
We can't look at these broken homes
And not trace it back to broken bloodlines
Families and traditions torn apart
Sold into the filthy trade
Proud royal heritage tarnished
Your woman your manhood put on the chopping block
Fast forward now you on the block trying to stay out of D-Block
But you just trying to make some money to feed your daughter
Yo Son
They callin the police
Moms call in the police CPS she snitchin
On Me like I'm the one sinning
A victim of domestic Violence just like her
But me in it since the '80s a baby
Cause you chose to stay I had to live it
He hit you you hit me you so livid
Now somehow I repeat the Vicious cycle
single Muva baby daddy
Disclaimer here
my daughter I adore her spoil her with love
still I'm
Screaming crying slap YOU in the face
And you let me gave me permission
Cause you know you ain't shit
But still feel like I'm dying
Like you try to take everything from me
I look my moms in the eyes ask her for help I want to leave him
She say
How you gonna leeeave him
He LOVES you
I looked back in her eyes we at Costco
My eyes my heart my soul shut
Down like the iron gates when you shutting down shop yo
Locked myself up behind an iron curtain
Only if I let you pass through
what's the code the password
You should've seen it in your spirit if
My spirit match your spirit
Twin flames soul mates
Can't hold a light to self love
YES you gotta love your Self self love
FIRST
Put yourself first then you can take on others
But you the first newborn
You've come a long way baby
Keep riding keep shining
Call a friend ask for help not just 911
There's hope brighter days and light
You have to fight for yourself
Conquer all that territory inside your mind your heart
before there can be an US in USA
Unity
in our homes all across America
For now you gotta fuss be petty
No worries
one day you'll all be on higher ground
Male and Female up on a new block
reUnited
And you're going to stay there like gold stars wearing gold medals
Olympians
Gods and Goddesses again
Posture equals power
The Alpha Female stand up
Like Bob Marley my Wiz
(Follow me I'm gonna teach you)
Pottin up my wiz
Follow my magic wand
ABRA CADABRA I'm gonna teach ya
To spell it speak it write it down
Then watch it show up how you blow up
It's all mathematics
Quantum physics Energy is heavy
Got you showing up to class with E&J and a machete
To chop down all the bullshit lies they try
to grow on you subjective vibes
in textbooks the only books I want to burn
Throw hexes inject subversive thoughts
But I'm in 5D
Tiny pricks from the thorns invisible you can't see them
But the hiv seeping into your veins
You don't even know it
Parents need to teach kids first too
Schools can't do it alone
What y'all do all day tho in the hood
Can't even feed or teach your kids
Showing up to school hungry
Maybe Cheeto crumbs next to eye crusties teeth ain't brushed breath musty
My eyes get misty as I hold my kids close
Send them up to the line for the school breakfast wipe they faces
But I'm just a temporary band aid
I give them TLC
Teach them not to chase waterfalls
I know they lives just like that video
I cosign No Scrubs
I'm always mad legit yo
In my Alpha Female stance
You want tickets in advance front row
J.S.
At first I wrote heatedly in my notebook, pen in hand, flows furious. I was going to turn my pain into treasure; the more I wrote, the more I impressed myself with how natural it felt, how could it be I had this gift inside of me all along.
Hip Hop raised me and rhyming is contagious, so ultimately it did make sense that I had this ability. I decided to write about the shit show that was my life, I wrote and wrote, not sure it would ever see the light of day. I turned 36 June 18th, 2016 and at that point was suffering from raging depression, undiagnosed PTSD, and just holding on to life by a thin, thin silly string. I had a background of romantic relationships which all involved the most insidious Narcissists I could possibly manifest into my life to mirror what low self-esteem I had.
I'm the standard product of a child from the South Bronx in the '80s, a statistic of poverty, domestic violence, and ignorance. I come from the actual place that hip hop was born and I am so proud of that. Grandmaster Flash and his brilliantly constructed "The Message"- that shit was REAL. I have a small scar on my left hand from where a junkie neighbor accidentally bumped into me with a lit cigarette. I was just trying to enter my building on Eastburn Avenue, I was 4 years old. I am still triggered to this day by that hood rat habit of hanging out on the stairs and refusing to move when you need to get in. I can still feel the searing pain of the burn, emotional footprints from physical pain are real.
When I started this blog I knew I wanted to share my story in the rawest form while also creating stream of consciousness commentary about being a woman in hip hop culture, ruminate on how I have consumed and revered this ragingly misogynistic artform without a second thought. I also want to help others struggling with their own demons, particularly women involved in abusive relationships. We mindlessly rap along, but as I get older the more and more I think, man FUCK this sausage fest, y'all need to step aside already. How many times can you rap about the same shit, shit on the same hoes, sip the same fucking Hennessy after pouring out a little for the homeys lost. I thought to myself, where am I in all of this though? Who is finally going to represent me, a Dominican girl from the South Bronx, with a whole lot of education and shit to say. I am also mother to a young baby girl that I need to raise out of the vicious cycle of abuse and poverty, not just physically, but make sure that those psychological imprints of pain and self-hate end with me. I write a lot of stuff that is sexy and raunchy and fun, but I also have pieces that convey my frustration with being marginalized in society, my rage at being a statistic, and feeling trapped. This was not supposed to happen to me.
Please enjoy below one of my newborn babies from my first week of writing rhymes.
Written June 27, 2016 at 12:42 pm
I follow two of them somber maidens
Mermaids
Down to the grotto
Why they sad though
Their tears shiny like pearls from oysters
Sunk my ship
Crashed it by the rocks off by city island
Dove down entered an underwater chamber
No Ariel just algae
There go the bones of Prince Eric
I need a breathing helmet
No air but I won't tank
Hmmm maybe I see dropped jewels from lost fools and fallen rappers
The serials scratched off tools dropped in by gangsters on the run
From the boys
Dirty diapers and beach toys
Maybe a fork or a hair comb
A dinglehopper
I Flounder round a shipwreck
of a slave ship
Why the USA one of the last countries to abolish in 1886?
Know I'm wrong but I made you google it
Now you learned something
Always questions facts and rap authorities
Leader of the Free World based on the labor of people not free put in chains
Spirits and bodies whipped
The worst part
Slavery shameful
400 years b
We can't look at these broken homes
And not trace it back to broken bloodlines
Families and traditions torn apart
Sold into the filthy trade
Proud royal heritage tarnished
Your woman your manhood put on the chopping block
Fast forward now you on the block trying to stay out of D-Block
But you just trying to make some money to feed your daughter
Yo Son
They callin the police
Moms call in the police CPS she snitchin
On Me like I'm the one sinning
A victim of domestic Violence just like her
But me in it since the '80s a baby
Cause you chose to stay I had to live it
He hit you you hit me you so livid
Now somehow I repeat the Vicious cycle
single Muva baby daddy
Disclaimer here
my daughter I adore her spoil her with love
still I'm
Screaming crying slap YOU in the face
And you let me gave me permission
Cause you know you ain't shit
But still feel like I'm dying
Like you try to take everything from me
I look my moms in the eyes ask her for help I want to leave him
She say
How you gonna leeeave him
He LOVES you
I looked back in her eyes we at Costco
My eyes my heart my soul shut
Down like the iron gates when you shutting down shop yo
Locked myself up behind an iron curtain
Only if I let you pass through
what's the code the password
You should've seen it in your spirit if
My spirit match your spirit
Twin flames soul mates
Can't hold a light to self love
YES you gotta love your Self self love
FIRST
Put yourself first then you can take on others
But you the first newborn
You've come a long way baby
Keep riding keep shining
Call a friend ask for help not just 911
There's hope brighter days and light
You have to fight for yourself
Conquer all that territory inside your mind your heart
before there can be an US in USA
Unity
in our homes all across America
For now you gotta fuss be petty
No worries
one day you'll all be on higher ground
Male and Female up on a new block
reUnited
And you're going to stay there like gold stars wearing gold medals
Olympians
Gods and Goddesses again
Posture equals power
The Alpha Female stand up
Like Bob Marley my Wiz
(Follow me I'm gonna teach you)
Pottin up my wiz
Follow my magic wand
ABRA CADABRA I'm gonna teach ya
To spell it speak it write it down
Then watch it show up how you blow up
It's all mathematics
Quantum physics Energy is heavy
Got you showing up to class with E&J and a machete
To chop down all the bullshit lies they try
to grow on you subjective vibes
in textbooks the only books I want to burn
Throw hexes inject subversive thoughts
But I'm in 5D
Tiny pricks from the thorns invisible you can't see them
But the hiv seeping into your veins
You don't even know it
Parents need to teach kids first too
Schools can't do it alone
What y'all do all day tho in the hood
Can't even feed or teach your kids
Showing up to school hungry
Maybe Cheeto crumbs next to eye crusties teeth ain't brushed breath musty
My eyes get misty as I hold my kids close
Send them up to the line for the school breakfast wipe they faces
But I'm just a temporary band aid
I give them TLC
Teach them not to chase waterfalls
I know they lives just like that video
I cosign No Scrubs
I'm always mad legit yo
In my Alpha Female stance
You want tickets in advance front row
J.S.
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