Mami
I've always resisted being categorized and boxed in. To be labelled makes me feel suffocated, limited. I'm like a multiple choice test: I might be a, b, c, or d. Either or, all of the above, none, maybe True or False.
My content is all drawn from real life, these are all things that really happened to me, an ode to how I've lived, a lyrical exercise in authenticity. The inner life of a woman who still feels like a girl, like the clock stopped when I was 16 and arrested development is just how I'm living.
Real talk though, the past year was a year that brought death in all of its forms, physical and spiritual. I lost my mother to a gut and soul wrenching breast turned full body cancer. We had never been close, but death is not how I thought I would resolve my bitterness and angers towards her. Rebirth hurts- and it's almost like we played out our last episode in the most painful way so that the emptiness would feel like a comfort, like the maternal embrace of trust we could never have.
I wrote this before I had any idea I would lose her in such a painful way.
Written June 26, 2016 at 10:46 a.m
Nigga I know how to paint a picture and I deliver
Every single time
Ideas poppin up like Lite Brite
I used to love cuddling my glow worm
80s baby child of the 90s
But never childish
From the South Bronx rough and tough
Even though I ain't want to be
It wasn't me But I had to
I had to survive
Watching Rocky marathons up in my Grandma house on Eastburn Avenue
Taking notes
Eye of the Tiger my anthem since 83
An immigrant fresh off the jet
My baby self not knowing what I was about to encounter
Pain and trauma realer than anything on the tv or the news
There was never no booze but you still too cruel
Why? I'm just 6 years old-
right now my daughter 6 years old
It's 30 years later
I can't imagine doin none of that to her ever
Cutting up these old scars
Making them bleed out all over
Reopening my closet so I could look inisde
Face my demons
Can't dance with a devil on your back
And I want to dance and be free
be me
Jade Shakur aka Spirit
Gonna reveal it heal it
I told you I never write no Dear Mama for you 🔥
J.S
This one was written a year later, as I continued to let out my anger at her; not knowing that in less than a year she would be gone.
Written June 15, 2017 at 7:43 a.m
Mother Was a Narcissist
Or
"Mami"
Mami
What a beautiful comforting word
I don't have a mami
I have someone who birthed me and left me to the wolves
Left me like an anchor no boat
Just stuck going round and round
No castles for me I'm swimming in the moat
What a beautiful word
Mami
Invoking her
Her love warmth and compassion
Tangible
Even before she replies (I'm here mija)
Wrapped around you like no ordinary love
But instead I feel like I'm choking
I'm so broken
Wishing the umbilical cord had been a noose
Mami
Arms hands legs
Your very soul
Use them to protect me
Comfort me from the rain the wind
When the storms come and I'm feeling like
a sack of trash blowing in the wind
You were supposed to be my shield
Mami
Arms hands legs
Chancletas correas
You cut them up to cut me up
My wounds internalized still bleeding
I need to bleed this pain out
I don't need it
I don't want it
I face it I touch it
I name it I embrace it
But misery is not my friend
I'm solitary but a reflection of the One
The Whole
Mami
Perhaps once
you were mine
For some brief moment a wrinkle in time
....now you're my ghost I carry you
and your ghosts the whole line
J.S
 |
| The author 2015, The Naked Truth |
My content is all drawn from real life, these are all things that really happened to me, an ode to how I've lived, a lyrical exercise in authenticity. The inner life of a woman who still feels like a girl, like the clock stopped when I was 16 and arrested development is just how I'm living.
Real talk though, the past year was a year that brought death in all of its forms, physical and spiritual. I lost my mother to a gut and soul wrenching breast turned full body cancer. We had never been close, but death is not how I thought I would resolve my bitterness and angers towards her. Rebirth hurts- and it's almost like we played out our last episode in the most painful way so that the emptiness would feel like a comfort, like the maternal embrace of trust we could never have.
I wrote this before I had any idea I would lose her in such a painful way.
Written June 26, 2016 at 10:46 a.m
Nigga I know how to paint a picture and I deliver
Every single time
Ideas poppin up like Lite Brite
I used to love cuddling my glow worm
80s baby child of the 90s
But never childish
From the South Bronx rough and tough
Even though I ain't want to be
It wasn't me But I had to
I had to survive
Watching Rocky marathons up in my Grandma house on Eastburn Avenue
Taking notes
Eye of the Tiger my anthem since 83
An immigrant fresh off the jet
My baby self not knowing what I was about to encounter
Pain and trauma realer than anything on the tv or the news
There was never no booze but you still too cruel
Why? I'm just 6 years old-
right now my daughter 6 years old
It's 30 years later
I can't imagine doin none of that to her ever
Cutting up these old scars
Making them bleed out all over
Reopening my closet so I could look inisde
Face my demons
Can't dance with a devil on your back
And I want to dance and be free
be me
Jade Shakur aka Spirit
Gonna reveal it heal it
I told you I never write no Dear Mama for you 🔥
J.S
This one was written a year later, as I continued to let out my anger at her; not knowing that in less than a year she would be gone.
Written June 15, 2017 at 7:43 a.m
Mother Was a Narcissist
Or
"Mami"
Mami
What a beautiful comforting word
I don't have a mami
I have someone who birthed me and left me to the wolves
Left me like an anchor no boat
Just stuck going round and round
No castles for me I'm swimming in the moat
What a beautiful word
Mami
Invoking her
Her love warmth and compassion
Tangible
Even before she replies (I'm here mija)
Wrapped around you like no ordinary love
But instead I feel like I'm choking
I'm so broken
Wishing the umbilical cord had been a noose
Mami
Arms hands legs
Your very soul
Use them to protect me
Comfort me from the rain the wind
When the storms come and I'm feeling like
a sack of trash blowing in the wind
You were supposed to be my shield
Mami
Arms hands legs
Chancletas correas
You cut them up to cut me up
My wounds internalized still bleeding
I need to bleed this pain out
I don't need it
I don't want it
I face it I touch it
I name it I embrace it
But misery is not my friend
I'm solitary but a reflection of the One
The Whole
Mami
Perhaps once
you were mine
For some brief moment a wrinkle in time
....now you're my ghost I carry you
and your ghosts the whole line
J.S
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