Transmute

The piece that I am sharing today was written on the anniversary of my mother's death, an event which shattered me and my entire life path. I became a different person, a shadow, a vapor, and life became a smoke screen. I began to struggle with reality as I could not grasp why the world continued behaving so normally in the face of my grief. I did not could not would not understand how everyone could just move on. She is GONE!! I wanted to scream! She SUFFERED! She is GONE! 

I struggled and I struggled. I cried and I cried. Sometimes life felt so painful that I could barely breathe. I felt as if I would burst, any screams would just be sucked into a void of silence, repressed. I had so much to say and my rage grew because no one would listen. 

I want to dedicate these verses to all of the survivors, conquerors, and perpetrators of domestic violence around the world. I SEE YOU.

You hurt, I hurt, we all hurt each other as the cycle keeps getting more vicious, our chains becoming invisible, our pain, inversely, feeling extremely real. I share my work so that even in despair, you can have a friend in me, a link, a tiny little glimmer in the dark. 

The early morning of April 8, 2020, two years after her passing, I held my pain in my mind like a milky jewel, turning it over and over, and the following thoughts were transmitted to me by Spirit. 

Thank you for reading. 

 

Transmute 

Try to write it all down before the 

conversation in my head go mute 

Got knocked off the call 

Co con not feeling me

Keeping distances

This is what I call being 2020 

social

I wake up I think I write 

From the other side vocals

Saw it all in my dreams 

They was never hopeful 

Fucked up since I was a latchkey kid 

Since I had my hair in rolos 

Since I had to buzz it off I got piojos

Memories in hell scape

moving all in slo mo

Thoughts is broken 

pieced together like kaleidoscope 

Not colorful

Dingy broken

I'm feeling fingers at my throat

Flashback is POV

It wasn't me

You tried to kill her.

That I know.

Did she ever forgive you?

I don't know.

How alone do you have to feel to forgive 

your abuser and keep holding on?

Hold that

Think about that

I gotta move on

I gotta question

Tear up old scars like rugs I'm ripping up

And there will be 

So  much blood 

Death 

Rebirth

No life without that liquid

Explosions 

Loss of love 

Let go

Let god

Let love

Feeling light headed 

Flushed out the baggage from my

cranium

A whole new world

I'm making one

My eyes is closed

I question my reality

I open them

Now I'm off the carousel

My horse flying like Pegasus

Set it off on the track

Preserve it waxy or vinyl

Scoliosis since eleven

Twisted up my spinal

Mark of the 

Gifted Child

it show the tracks of my survival

Coping mechanisms like hiding in the closet

Now I'm tucked in real small

Cuddle up to darkness and the wosets

Asbetsos in the schools was toxic

Where was I supposed to breathe

No open spaces

So I became an agoraphobic

Go deep into my own head and you can't stop me

Got my own rabbit hole

You need to go ask Alice

You thirsty?

Take SIPS from my rhymes 

Call them chalice 

J.S

Brooklyn, NY 2020